DATING WITH THE HEART OF BUDDHA

Navigating life as a single adult can be rough when you lead from your mind and not your heart. 

There is a constant barrage of online images and personas that people spend hours cultivating in hopes of appearing extraordinary to a perfect stranger. You message each other a bit on the dating apps, maybe exchange phone numbers. Then, together you decide whether to meet up for coffee or a drink. If you are lucky enough to find a unicorn, you might be offered a hike or a walk with the dogs.

Then what? Will you meet again or will you get ghosted? What are the expectations? Does this person want something casual or a long-term relationship? Dating in the modern era can be the most anxiety inducing activity of all time. But it doesn’t have to be.

When Rachel Gordon, Buddhist psychologist, and I were chatting about this month’s blog post, she said, “Whenever anyone comes to me about dating, I get SO excited! For women especially, because they are most in their heads when they date.” If you’ve worked with Rachel, you know she loves getting people out their heads and into their hearts.

Dating is an egocentric experience that makes it challenging to stay present. Women obsess about the future because their ego perceives a threat of abandonment and rejection. For men it’s a struggle to date when they feel unsure of themselves. Dating seems to bring out a distinct fear of future failure and inadequacy for them.

The ego gives us an illusion of being in control so we enter into relationships with some expectations for how it will go. In reality it is just an illusion because outcomes are always unknown. There are no guarantees about the future – with our health, in our jobs, of our families, or potential partners. Perhaps the hardest thing to accept in terms of dating is that we are not in control of the way things will turn out. 

Trying to be in control creates needless suffering. We experience longing, wanting to be heard and understood, to not be lonely, guarding our hearts from pain – it is intense while we are dating. And it is something we can free ourselves from if we stop thinking and feel it out instead. Feel the fear, feel the pain, right out of our bodies.

When we get out of our heads and into our hearts, feelings don’t last more than 90 seconds. While your thoughts about dating are real, they are happening in your head, they are not actually true information. The lens of ego will most often cloud your judgement. The thing to remember: true love is everything opposite of the ego. 

So how do you enter into relationships with an open heart?

If you are dating, please know you are doing a brave thing and applaud yourself for that. It is an ego-centered event in your life that causes you to battle with yourself on a daily basis. Here are a few things you should consider as you dive into the world of dating with the heart of Buddha:

1. Know that you will be in your head. Be aware of and acknowledge the ego.
2. Every day make it a practice to get into your body and feel your feelings. 
3. Come back to your center. 
4. Trust yourself. Trust that you can handle any outcome. 
5. Get good with pain. How quickly we forget how much pain we can tolerate. 
6. Let go of language around dating – good/ bad, right/ wrong
7. Stop seeking input. Base your relationships on internal norms rather than external.
8. Manage what you can – your thoughts, your words, your actions. 

The answer to dating with an open heart is always: accept what’s happening in the present moment and let go of what the ego is trying to warn you about in the future. Embracing the worst-case scenario is a lesson in futility.

Please contact Rachel Gordon  if you have questions about Buddhist psychology and integrative, holistic techniques to address mental health issues and promote total body wellness. If you live in the Denver/ Castle Rock area and would like to learn more about what Rachel has to offer through Humble Warrior Therapy, please call (303) 688-6698 or click here to schedule.